Ex-Incels and Their Journey Towards Deradicalization

In recent years, the term “incel” has become increasingly prevalent in discussions surrounding relationships, gender dynamics, and online communities. Short for “involuntary celibate,” the term refers to individuals, primarily men, who feel unable to find romantic or sexual partners despite a desire for such connections. However, the concept extends far beyond this, encapsulating a complex interplay of social, psychological, and cultural factors that contribute to feelings of alienation, loneliness, and frustration.

At its core, inceldom often involves a profound sense of isolation and perceived rejection from the realm of intimate relationships. Those who identify as incels may experience deep-seated feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and bitterness, which have frequently been observed in online forums and on social media platforms. In rare and extreme cases, inceldom has been linked to acts of violence. To learn more, check out our podcast episode, “Inside The Minds of Incels.”

In this blog, we will review the findings from a recent article published in the Journal of Sex Research titled  “I’m Better Than This”: A Qualitative Analysis of the Turning Points Leading to Exiting Inceldom. Specifically, we will discuss the main “turning points” that incels described as pivotal in deradicalizing themselves from the misogynistic ideology often associated with inceldom.

The authors of the article, Burns and Boislard (2024), explained that individuals typically described three phases in the process of leaving inceldom: pursuing dating, attempting to change their ideology, and struggling to change their ideology. The data for this study came from an analysis of posts on a subreddit (r/IncelExit) that caters to persons leaving an incel identity behind.

Pursuing Dating

Initially, individuals often see the possibility of entering a relationship as their main motivation for leaving inceldom. Many incels strongly desire relationships with women, believing that a sexual or romantic relationship will change their views on involuntary celibacy and reshape their perspectives on sexuality and women. However, they often needed to build confidence before approaching women and feared rejection. Despite these challenges, some men did end up having sexual and romantic experiences. While these experiences helped some men to leave inceldom, many found that their underlying problematic beliefs persisted and did not result in a significant change in their ideologies. In other words, having sex or being in a relationship is not a guaranteed strategy for exiting inceldom.

Attempting to Change Ideology

“Many users reached a significant realization: their inceldom was not defined by their relationship status, but rather by their adherence to incel ideology.” As incels entered the dating scene, they often found themselves unsuccessful and associated this with their ideology and the negative impact that their ideology had on their overall wellbeing. These negative effects led many men to introspection, concluding that an ideological shift was necessary for a more fulfilling life. The men reported various strategies that they found helpful in changing their ideology, including self-care, socializing, and staying busy. Some men also found it necessary to distance themselves from online incel groups and the “incel” label, adopting a new mindset: “I am not an incel; I’m simply a single guy who fears being alone.” In other words, men discovered that taking care of themselves mentally, physically, and socially fostered self-acceptance and helped them exit inceldom.

Struggling to Change Incel Ideology

Although incels recognized that this ideology had negatively impacted their overall health and wanted to change their beliefs, they still found it difficult cut ties with their previously held beliefs and reported several challenges. Many were afraid that they would relapse into their old beliefs and had difficulty letting go of certain ideas, especially around their physical attractiveness and sexual inexperience. They worried that certain physical traits made them unworthy of love or that women would never be interested in them due to their lack of sexual experience. Even those who were actively trying to transform themselves found that it was extremely difficult to see tangible milestones or achievements and became discouraged with their progress. However, others highlighted the importance of viewing an exit from inceldom as a “gradual process” and to remain hopeful about their transformation.

Conclusion

What this research shows is that there are many turning points for individuals who decide to exit inceldom and, further, individuals use a variety of exit strategies. Many individuals who once identified as incels are often self-motivated to leave inceldom but struggle to exit this community. Throughout the process of exiting inceldom, men tended to assume more responsibility for their wellbeing and relationships and understood that simply engaging in sexual activity or finding a partner would not necessarily resolve their underlying belief systems (which were making it harder for them to find the kinds of connections they desired).

Instead, they were motivated to work towards challenging their beliefs and improving their mental health through self-care. However, due to a general a lack of support and understanding toward “incels,” men trying to exit inceldom may not have adequate supports or resources to make this ideological shift and may experience struggles with dating, intimacy, and shifting their belief system. However, as the authors have illustrated in their article, exiting inceldom is possible and can be made easier by addressing men’s needs for belonging and support.

References

Burns, L.-M., & Boislard, M.-A. (2024). “I’m better than this”: A qualitative analysis of the turning points leading to exiting inceldom. The Journal of Sex Research, 1–17.

Image created by Emily Mendelson

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.