What Really Keeps Couples From Having Sex

Why do couples sometimes go days, weeks, or even longer without having sex? And when sex doesn’t happen, do men and women tend to explain it differently?

While researchers have spent considerable time studying why people have sex, they’ve devoted far less attention to understanding why people don’t. However, the reasons couples aren’t having sex may tell us something important about their relationships.

In a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers followed couples over a 30-day period to explore reasons for not having sex, how they differed by gender, and how different reasons were associated with sexual desire, sexual satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction.

Why Couples Aren’t Having Sex

In this study, researchers recruited 87 male-female couples who had been together for about nine years on average. Most participants were in their early 30s, identified as heterosexual (90% of women and 98.5% of men), and were from the United States (82%).

Each participant completed a 5-minute survey each day for 30 days that inquired about their sex lives. On days participants reported not having sex, they were asked why sex didn’t take place. They were given a list of options to choose from, as well as an open-ended “other” option in case none of those reasons applied. Participants could endorse multiple reasons, if applicable.

Interestingly, the most common explanation wasn’t a lack of desire, exhaustion, or relationship conflict. More often than not, participants said, “It just didn’t happen.” This was true across gender. Men and women were also equally likely to say “we didn’t have time.”

There were no gender differences in the “other” category, either, where people referenced things like logistical issues (such as having houseguests), being sick, having relationship conflict, and being stressed.

However, some notable gender differences emerged when looking at others reasons for not having sex. For example, women were more likely than men to report reasons pertaining to their own interest in or feelings about sex, including “I didn’t want to,” “I wasn’t in the mood,” “I was too tired,” and “sex is painful.”

By contrast, men were more likely than women to report reasons pertaining to their partner’s interest: “my partner didn’t want to,” “my partner wasn’t in the mood,” and “my partner was too tired.” Men were also more likely to report that “children got in the way.”

Reasons For Not Having Sex and Relationship Satisfaction

Not all reasons for skipping sex have the same implications for couples’ sexual and relationship well-being. In fact, one of the most interesting findings was that satisfaction varied depending on whether people attributed the absence of sex to themselves, their partner, or shared circumstances.

For men and women alike, sexual satisfaction was lower when their reasons for not having sex centered around their partner; however, satisfaction was higher when the reasons were joint (e.g., “it just didn’t happen,” “we didn’t have time”).

In other words, there may be an important difference between feeling that sex didn’t happen because your partner wasn’t interested and feeling that sex didn’t happen because neither of you had the time or opportunity.

For men only, relationship satisfaction was lower when their reasons for not having sex were personal (e.g., “I wasn’t in the mood,” “I was too tired”). However, relationship satisfaction was higher when it was a joint decision. Reasons for not having sex were unrelated to women’s relationship satisfaction.

Lastly, for both men and women, reporting personal reasons for not having sex was linked to lower sexual desire on the same day, as well as the following day; desire was higher when other types of reasons were endorsed. Also, for men only, desire increased on days after they endorsed a partner-related reason for not having sex.

Of course, it’s important to highlight that these findings are correlational. We can’t conclude that particular reasons for not having sex cause changes in desire or satisfaction. For example, people who are already less sexually satisfied may be more likely to interpret a partner’s lack of interest negatively.

Takeaways

One important conclusion here is that not having sex isn’t necessarily a sign that something is wrong in a relationship. Sometimes sex just doesn’t happen because life gets in the way, and when both partners view the absence of sex as the result of shared circumstances, that doesn’t necessarily harm sexual satisfaction.

Further research is needed to explore whether reasons for not having sex are similar or different in LGBTQ+ relationships. In addition, future studies would do well to expand definitions of “sexual activity.” It’s possible that when some people avoid sex, they still engage in intimate physical contact with their partner, such as kissing or cuddling. To the extent that this happens, it may reduce any negative impacts on subsequent satisfaction and desire.

That said, a key takeaway here is that how often couples have sex isn’t the sole metric of sexual satisfaction. It’s also important to understand how couples navigate the times when sex doesn’t happen. Two couples might have sex equally often but feel very differently about their intimate lives depending on whether they see periods without sex as a shared reality or a source of rejection and frustration.

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Image Source: Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

References:

Mark, K. P., Vowels, L. M., & Leistner, C. E. (2020). “Not Tonight, Honey:” Reasons Couples Do Not Engage in Sex and Their Impact on Satisfaction and Desire. The Journal of Sexual Medicine.