How Polyamorous People Manage Jealousy

Jealousy is among the most common emotional experiences in romantic relationships. Whether it’s your partner liking an ex’s photo, seeing them spend a little too much time with someone who’s “just a friend,” or your own relationship insecurities creeping in, most of us have experienced jealousy at some point. 

Researchers have spent decades studying jealousy in monogamous relationships, where exclusivity is typically expected and interactions with an outside person that seem too intimate can easily trigger feelings of jealousy. But what happens when a relationship is consensually non-monogamous? If having multiple romantic or sexual partners is part of the agreement, how does jealousy work?

In this post, we’re going to explore what the science says about jealousy in the context of polyamory, including what jealousy is, what people’s experiences with it look like, and factors that trigger jealousy in consensual non-monogamy.

Different Experiences of Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships

A 2018 study analyzed data from 141 individuals in polyamorous relationships to explore what feelings of jealousy in their relationship actually entailed and when those feelings were most likely to arise. [1] The results showed that participants tended to frame jealousy as a constellation of emotions rooted in insecurity, unmet needs, uncertainty, and/or possessiveness. 

As one participant explained, “it’s important to identify the actual emotion (anger, resentment, hurt, sorrow, loss, etc.) and where it’s coming from” (p. 1445). This quote illustrates how “jealousy” is often used as an umbrella term for deep and varied emotional experiences. Another participant described jealousy as emerging when they felt uncertain about “my position in my partner’s life, and my worth for them” (p. 1446). In this sense, jealousy often reflected concerns about one’s personal value in the relationship.

Of course, these underlying emotions are hardly unique to polyamory. Feelings of insecurity, uncertainty, and fear of losing a partner are common in relationships of all kinds, whether monogamous or non-monogamous. However, the situations that evoke these feelings may differ in polyamorous relationships.

For example, participants frequently described feeling as though they were “missing out” when a partner shared meaningful experiences with someone else or when they felt excluded from plans. Sometimes, these feelings arose in relation to a metamour, a partner’s partner with whom they themselves were neither romantically nor sexually involved. [1] Participants did not describe metamours as inherently threatening; rather, it was when interactions with metamours left them feeling neglected or as though their own emotional needs were no longer being met that jealousy emerged.

Ways Polyamorous People Manage Relational Jealousy 

A second, more recent qualitative study interviewed 15 people with current or previous experience being in a polyamorous relationship about the emotional realities of consensual non-monogamy. [2] As expected, participants often described moments of rejection, insecurity, and jealousy; however, they also spoke about how metamours can foster positive feelings and relationship growth. 

A key concept that emerged was compersion, which is often described as feeling joy from seeing your partner happy or fulfilled from their experience with another romantic or sexual partner. [2, 3] Rather than viewing a metamour as a rival, some participants came to see them as another person who cared for someone they loved.

In fact, some participants described this experience as freeing. For example, one participant said, “I no longer have to always be the only one making the other person happy; their world doesn’t have to revolve entirely around me” (p. 5). Developing feelings of compersion helped some to reduce jealousy and transform the perception of metamours from competitors to allied support-providers to their own partners.

Participants also described jealousy as an opportunity for self-reflection rather than simply a problem to eliminate. Instead of ignoring the emotion, they worked to understand what it was signaling (e.g., unmet needs, insecurity, or fears about the relationship) and leaned on partners and broader support networks to address those concerns. Across interviews, one message was consistent: jealousy is unlikely to disappear entirely, but acknowledging it, exploring its source, and communicating about it can prevent it from growing into a larger relationship problem. [2] 

Learning More About Jealousy and Polyamory

These two studies tell us that jealousy is a complex emotion and that it’s not always a negative experience in relationships. [3]

If you’re interested in learning more about jealousy and polyamorous relationships in general, we recently covered More than Monogamy, which is a great intro-level film that provides an overview of the world of open relationships. You can also check out podcast episode 452 with Dr. Justin Mogilski, who debunks various myths surrounding polyamory and open relationships.

Episode 482 with Dr. Nicole Thompson continues the conversation when it comes to reframing jealousy in relationships, so be sure to give that a listen as well. We only scratched the surface of the studies mentioned above, but they’re all cited down below if you want to read them in full. 

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References 

[1] Rubinsky, V. (2018). Bringing up the Green-Eyed Monster: Conceptualizing and Communicating Jealousy with a Partner Who Has Other Partners. The Qualitative Report. https://doi.org/10.46743/2160-3715/2018.3297

[2] Spada, N., De Vettor, M., Carone, N., Feligioni, A., Lo Buglio, G., Lingiardi, V., Giovanardi, G., & Boldrini, T. (2026). “How Do You Manage It? I Couldn’t; I’m Way Too Jealous!” A Qualitative Research on How Polyamorous People Deal with Their Partners’ Relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, Advance Online Publication. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2026.2651173

[3] Balzarini, R. N., McDonald, J. N., Kohut, T., Lehmiller, J. J., Holmes, B. M., & Harman, J. J. (2021). Compersion: When Jealousy-Inducing Situations Don’t (Just) Induce Jealousy. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1311–1324. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01853-1