Why We Share (And Hide) Our Sexual Fantasies

We’ve discussed sexual fantasies on the blog several times before, including the most common fantasies, how fantasies differ across cultures, and to how to share your fantasies with a partner. One topic we haven’t yet covered concerns the reasons why someone might (or might not) choose to disclose their fantasies. In today’s blog, we’re covering a recent article published in the Journal of Sex Research that delves into this issue.

What Are Sexual Fantasies?

Sexual fantasies are usually defined as “any mental images that are sexually arousing or erotic to the individual” (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995, p. 470). Research has shown that nearly everyone fantasizes at least occasionally; however, a small percentage of the population has aphantasia (an inability to form mental pictures) and these individuals are literally unable to have imagery-based fantasies. Some of the most common fantasies include sex with multiple partners, kink and rough sex, doing something taboo, and having sex in new positions or settings. A recent review of the fantasy literature concludes that there’s a lot of commonality in the things people fantasize about and that relatively few fantasies are actually considered “rare” (Lehmiller & Gormezano, 2023).

Why People Share (Or Hide) Sexual Fantasies

Kimberley and colleagues (2025) conducted an online survey of nearly 300 participants that explored the reasons why people do or do not share their most recent or favorite sexual fantasy with their partner. Participants categorized their fantasy into one of eight types (see image below) and then answered questions about why they chose to share or withhold it, how their partner reacted (or how they anticipated their partner would react), and how positive they perceived that reaction to be (or how positively they thought they would react). The majority (almost 70%) of participants said that they had shared their fantasy with their partner.

Image from Kimberley et al. (2025)

After analyzing the responses from the survey, the researchers concluded that there were five main reasons that contributed to either sharing or hiding their sexual fantasy:

1. Sexual Gratification: Almost half of the people who shared their fantasy with their partner explained that they hoped sharing the fantasy might lead to actually engaging in the fantasy (e.g., experimenting with something new together, such as role play). However, some people said that they chose not to share their fantasy because they felt that it would not be possible or pleasurable to engage in it in real life (e.g., their fantasy is just a fantasy, not a desire).
2. Relationship-motivated: Many people also reported relationship-related reasons for their decision. For instance, people in newer relationships didn’t necessarily feel comfortable enough with their partner to share their fantasies, whereas people in longer-term relationships often felt that sharing fantasies might bring them closer together.
3. Partner characteristics: Sometimes qualities or characteristics of one’s partner affected the decision about whether or not to share a fantasy. For example, people who considered their partner to be more sexually adventurous felt more inclined to share.
4. Communication patterns: Perhaps not surprisingly, the overall communication dynamic between partners played a significant role in the decision to share or withhold a fantasy. In some cases, people were prompted to share because their partner had already disclosed their own fantasies or had asked about them directly. In other cases, feelings of embarrassment or discomfort led individuals to avoid sharing altogether.
5. Fantasy content: Participants also emphasized that the content of the fantasy played a role in the decision to disclose. Fantasies perceived as “low risk” were more likely to be shared, while those that might lead to relationship conflict or judgment were often withheld. Interestingly, however, the specific type of fantasy—based on the category selected—did not predict whether or not participants shared it. In other words, the fantasy’s theme wasn’t a reliable indicator of disclosure; rather, it was the individual’s subjective perception of how risky or sensitive the content felt within their relationship. For example, one might assume that fantasies from the taboo or forbidden sex category would be less readily shared than those focused on passion and romance, but this was not the case. What matters is how risky people perceive a given fantasy in their own relationship context.

Partner Responses

Overall, the vast majority of partners responded positively to fantasy disclosures—over 80%! While the authors note that this may reflect a careful selection process in both what was shared and how it was communicated, the findings suggest a largely supportive dynamic when people choose to share their fantasies. In most cases, partners responded with openness, expressed support, and even reported sharing similar fantasies themselves.

However, some people (about 1 in 5) experienced negative reactions, which means that sharing fantasies isn’t always going to turn out well. For example, when someone shares a fantasy their partner isn’t into, they sometimes end up feeling judged or shamed.

Takeaways

The authors conclude that sharing sexual fantasies has the potential to positively influence both relationship and sexual satisfaction, pointing to the overwhelmingly supportive partner responses as evidence that disclosure is mutually beneficial more often than not.

Again, however, it is important to recognize that simply having a fantasy does not necessarily mean that a person wants to act on it (Lehmiller & Gormezano, 2023), and sharing fantasies is not a universally positive experience for everyone. For tips on sharing your fantasies in a way that’s likely to increase the odds of a positive response, check out this podcast episode and the book Tell Me What You Want.

If you have a sex question of your own, record a voicemail at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology to have it answered on the blog or the podcast. 

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References:

Kimberley, M. L., Jones, S. A., & Elliott, J. M. (2025). A Content Analysis of Reasons for Disclosing Sexual Fantasies and Partner Responses. The Journal of Sex Research, 62(3), 421–432. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2310085

Lehmiller, J. J., & Gormezano, A. M. (2023). Sexual fantasy research: A contemporary review. Current Opinion in Psychology, 49, Article 101496. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101496

Leitenberg, H., & Henning, K. (1995). Sexual fantasy. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 469–496. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.469

Title graphic made with Canva