Technology Use for Sexual Communication in BDSM Relationships

In previous blogs, we’ve talked all about the various ways that people leverage technology for sexual communication. For example, we’ve discussed a book that does a deep dive into the psychology of dick pics, and we’ve interviewed a researcher who focuses on how the design of texting/messaging platforms shapes the way people communicate about sex. Today, we’re going to zoom out a bit and look at two studies that investigate how individuals who practice BDSM use technology to navigate and enhance their sexual experiences. 

Using Technology to Discuss BDSM Topics 

The first study we’re going to look at is a survey of 162 individuals who practice BDSM and/or kink in their relationships [1]. In this survey, individuals were asked how (if at all) they use technology for sexual communication and/or sexual activity with their partners. Participants’ responses reflected four primary themes in response to these questions, which demonstrate the wide variety of ways that technology is used to enhance BDSM relationships. 

Notably, participants indicated that technology had a disinhibiting effect, which meant that they felt as though they were able to be more open and honest about their sexual desires when communicating with a partner online. Specifically, the disinhibition afforded by technology aided individuals in negotiating boundaries, preferences, and aspects of consent before a sexual encounter, and also served as a way for individuals to share their sexual fantasies with one another. 

Technology was also used to supplement sexual interactions. For example, individuals used technology to augment their foreplay, such as by sending their partner an explicit text or photo leading up to an in-person encounter. By using multiple different communication channels (including technology and face-to-face), individuals were able to check-in with their partners about how they felt about a particular BDSM scene (i.e., to practice aftercare), as well as plan future sexual encounters [1].

Interdependent Technology Use in Relationships 

Before we dive into the second study, it’s important to understand the concept of communication interdependence as it relates to technology use in relationships. Traditionally, we understand the concept of “interdependence” in relationships as the extent to which there is mutual reliance and support, which is considered a a key factor in maintaining healthy and happy relationships. 

Communication interdependence, however, can be understood as the extent to which different communication modalities are integrated within relationships. That is, communication interdependence is concerned with how individuals within relationships can easily transition between communicating face-to-face and using different forms of technology to communicate, such as texting [2]. Ideally, romantic partners who are able to integrate face-to-face communication and technologically-mediated communication strategies will feel closer to their partners and more satisfied within their relationships. In the case of sexual communication, being able to integrate different communication modes when discussing sexual topics is probably a sign of strong sexual communication. 

Positive Effects of Communication Interdependence Within BDSM Relationships

With that said, the second study we’re highlighting reflects 192 individuals who identified as being in at least one BDSM/kinky relationship and used technology to communicate with their partners within the last three months [3]. Compared to the first study discussed above, this one explicitly tests the communication interdependence perspective in the context of sexual communication. Here, the goal was to see how integrating both face-to-face and technologically-mediated communication affects sexual relationships.  

A major takeaway from this study is that individuals who were able to integrate these different forms of communication felt more satisfied not just with their relationships, but also with their sexual communication in general. However, this finding should not be misinterpreted as a justification for only discussing sexual topics over technology. In fact, individuals who only used technology to discuss sex were not as satisfied as those who also had sexual conversations in-person. In the context of BDSM relationships, this means that while technology is helpful in facilitating a number of aspects of BDSM interactions, perhaps it should not be the sole way that individuals communicate [3]. One reason for this is that communication via technology is sometimes less clear than in-person communication because you can’t see other nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions.

Are there unique ways you use technology within your sexual relationships? Let us know in the comments section below. 

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Title graphic made with Canva. 

References

[1] Rubinsky, V. (2018). “Sometimes it’s easier to type things than to say them”: Technology in BDSM sexual partner communication. Sexuality & Culture, 22(4), 1412–1431. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-018-9534-2

[2] Caughlin, J. P., & Sharabi, L. L. (2013). A communicative interdependence perspective of close relationships: The connections between mediated and unmediated interactions matter. Journal of Communication, 63(5), 873–893. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12046

[3] Rubinsky, V. (2020). A communicative interdependence perspective of sexual communication and technology in bondage, domination, and sadomasochist relationships. Communication Quarterly, 68(4), 375–396. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2020.1804958