Does Playing Hard-To-Get Pay Off?

The first Sunday following New Year’s Day is the busiest of the year for dating apps. It has been dubbed “Dating Sunday” and it’s the pinnacle of Cuffing Season. People who are looking to start meaningful relationships at this time of year might be thinking about whether it’s time to change their dating approach.

One popular but hotly debated dating strategy is the idea of “playing hard-to-get.” We’ve covered this topic previously on the blog (see here and here), highlighting some research that has found some support for the effectiveness of this approach. However, the world of dating continues to evolve, influenced by everything from social media trends to technology to changing social norms. So does playing hard-to-get still pay off in a world where instant communication is the norm and transparency and directness are valued in relationships? Or has it become an outdated tactic that feels more manipulative than alluring?

In this article, we’ll explore whether playing hard-to-get should be part of your dating strategy in the New Year, or if it’s time to rethink your approach.

What is Playing Hard-to-Get?

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, playing hard-to-get occurs when one partner intentionally acts romantically elusive, holding back their feelings and avoiding overt displays of interest [1]. The idea here is that sowing a little uncertainty and emotional distance will make the other person try harder to win their attention. Common ways people employ this strategy include delaying responses to texts, withholding physical affection, talking to others, or purposely failing to communicate their interest to the other person. While this strategy is well-known and often portrayed in the media and popular culture, it’s less clear whether it actually fosters attraction or if it simply causes potential partners to lose interest due to the perceived unavailability.

To address the effectiveness of playing hard-to-get, we will be highlighting a recently published article in the Journal of Sex Research, “Playing Hard-to-Get: A New Look at an Old Strategy.” This article is the first empirical review of the literature on playing hard-to-get, reviewing a total of 18 studies that examined this dating strategy and its effectiveness within the context of dating.

Positive Effects of Playing Hard-to-Get

In the article, the researchers identified several studies wherein playing hard-to-get was associated with positive relationship and sexual outcomes. For example, women were more likely to think about and feel more attracted to men when they were uncertain about how the men rated them (based on their social media profiles), compared to when they knew whether the men had rated them highly or moderately [2].

The authors suggested that this might be due to their desire to reduce the uncertainty surrounding the potential partner. In other words, when we are presented with uncertainty, the next natural step is to try to find answers to reduce the unknowns, which can lead to thinking about this person more as we try to untangle the missing pieces. As the authors stated, “playing hard-to-get may be effective in inducing lure by creating confusion or intrigue that leads to rumination about the player” (p. 379).

Another study found that when individuals were selectively hard-to-get—available to the subject but hard to get for others—they were liked more than people who were hard-to-get for everyone. Also, those who interacted with a selectively hard-to-get person experienced greater self-esteem after being evaluated by these selective partners [3]. This suggests that people may be highly drawn to selective individuals because being chosen as the exception makes them feel unique or special.

The Benefits of Playing Moderately Hard-to-Get

While some degree of being hard-to-get may potentially boost desirability, it’s also possible to be too hard-to-get [4]. Specifically, being too hard-to-get can result in someone feeling like they are undesirable, which results in lowered attraction. At the same time, being too easy-to-get can also result in decreased attraction, possibly due to feeling like you are not special.

What the research shows is that the highest levels of attraction occur when people are uncertain about the level of attraction, or when the other person’s availability is moderate (rather than too high or too low). In short, there’s a Goldilocks phenomenon at play here: we like people who are a little hard to get, but not too easy or too hard.

Negative Outcomes of Playing Hard-to-Get

Despite some evidence that playing hard to get might work to attract a potential partner, the article also presents some evidence that this can sabotage dating efforts as well. For example, people have shown a preference for those who clearly communicate their romantic intentions and tend to be more drawn to these people for future interactions [5]. Also, there is evidence that this dating strategy does not work for some people. For example, many folks do not likely feelings of uncertainty, especially in dating contexts, and for these people having a potential partner play hard-to-get might cause them to lose interest and seek others who are more forthcoming about their feelings.

The authors also mentioned that it is nearly impossible to reconstruct real-life initial interactions between partners in a research setting. While some researchers have used speed dating designs to study this topic, much of the current literature relies on hypothetical scenarios or profile reviews. As such, we should keep in mind that these findings may not perfectly reflect real-life situations.

Is Playing Hard-to-Get an Effective Strategy?

In conclusion, while playing hard-to-get may have some positive effects in certain situations, it’s clear that this strategy is not always effective and, in some cases, may even be counterproductive. In a world where clear communication and transparency are increasingly valued, being too elusive may actually backfire and push potential partners away. Based on this review article, it seems that striking a balance between conveying your interest while maintaining a slight mystery seems to be the most effective approach for building connections in the New Year.

References

1. Hazel, L., Barker, E., & Pronin, E. (2023). Playing hard-to-get: A new look at an old strategy. The Journal of Sex Research, 60(3), 368–383. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2070117
2. Whitchurch, E. R., Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2011). “He loves me, he loves me not…”: Uncertainty can increase romantic attraction. Psychological Science, 22(2), 172-175. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610393745
3. Matthews, K. A., Rosenfield, D., & Stephan, W. G. (1979). Playing hard-to-get: A two-determinant model. Journal of Research in Personality, 13(2), 234-244. https://doi.org/10.1016/0092-6566(79)90033-3
4. Reysen, S., & Katzarska-Miller, I. (2013). Playing moderately hard to get: An application of Brehm’s Emotion Intensity Theory. Interpersona: An International Journal on Personal Relationships, 7(2), 260–271. https://doi.org/10.5964/ijpr.v7i2.128
5. Birnbaum, G. E. (2018). The fragile spell of desire: A functional perspective on changes in sexual desire across relationship development. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(2), 101–127. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868317715350

If you have a sex question of your own, record a voicemail at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology to have it answered on the blog or the podcast. 

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), Bluesky, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.