The Firefly Journey: Gender and Sexuality Exploration Later in Life

This year at the SPSP Sexuality Pre-Conference, a project that stood out to me was Dr. Mallory Hanfling’s project on “fireflies,” or people who learn about their gender and/or sexuality later in life. Her work struck me because this is something we don’t often hear about. While we have a number of studies that investigate how adolescents and young adults explore and learn about their sexuality, we don’t know nearly as much about this process for older individuals. Our sexuality isn’t always crystallized by the time we reach adulthood.

Mallory was kind enough to answer some questions I sent about this project so we all could learn more about her work and about fireflies. Below, we’ll explore her insights on where the term “fireflies” comes from, what they experience when it comes to sex and relationships, and some common misconceptions about fireflies. 

Who are fireflies? 

First, I was interested in who the term “firefly” refers to, as it was new to me. Mallory told me that “firefly” is an inclusive, alternative term to those such as “late-in-life-lesbian” or “late bloomer.” 

More specifically, Mallory defines fireflies as “folks who have committed to a long-term, monogamous, hetero-seeming relationship and then within that relationship realized something new about their gender and/or their sexuality.”  When it comes to who might experience being a firefly, it’s important to know that the term is “about these shared experiences” of having to “figure out what to do in regards to the relationship with this new information.” 

More than anything, the term firefly is an “identity label to help folks build community.” As Mallory said, “If you feel like you’re a firefly, by all means, own it!”

Why the term firefly? 

After getting a better understanding of who fireflies are, I asked Mallory where the term came from. She told me that commonly used terms like “late-in-life lesbian,” “late bloomer,” and “late-in-lifer” felt stigmatizing given their emphasis on being “late.” Also, “lesbian” didn’t feel quite right to her and the participants in the study. 

“Firefly,” instead, “comes from wanting something that went through metamorphosis. As it turns out, fireflies “spend most of their lives ‘underground’ and when they emerge as their ‘most authentic selves’ they ‘glow’ and bring joy to others!”

Additionally, Mallory intends the term firefly to:

Offer a lot of flexibility, inclusivity, and expansiveness in terms of sexuality and gender. Sexuality and gender can be fluid and dynamic over one’s lifetime, and identifying as a firefly is a way to not have to rebuild community if your identity shifts. It also allows you to build community before landing on an ultimate understanding of who you are in regard to your sexuality and/or your gender.

 What are fireflies’ experiences with sex and dating? 

Because being a firefly means learning something new about your sexuality and/or gender, I was curious how fireflies might experience sex and dating in ways we might not think of. Mallory said that: 

Participants understood their sexuality much differently once they had sex with partners of their preferred gender saying things like “this is what sex is supposed to feel like,” or “those colorblind people who put on those glasses for the first time and suddenly everything’s exciting and new and colorful,” or that it just felt so natural to them. 

Some fireflies, however, remained sexually active with the partner they were committed to long term. Those participants “described enduring sex with their hetero spouses and feeling a responsibility to protect their spouse’s (usually his) ego or feelings surrounding sex. Not a single participant felt like they had to endure sex with a partner of their preferred gender.” 

Notably, many fireflies in Mallory’s study “had childhood sexual experiences that could be considered queer that were kind of dismissed or actively denounced.” Had there not been external stigma, a lot of which was tied up in religion, many participants may have explored their gender and/or sexuality earlier in life. 

How do finances constrain fireflies? 

One theme from was about the how fireflies’ experiences were constrained by finances. I asked Mallory to talk a bit more about this and share some participant quotes that really demonstrate this concept. She explained that because “we live in a heteronormative and patriarchal capitalist society” in the United States, “gendered expectations surrounding child-rearing, family financial responsibility, career maintenance, and the gender pay gap” all limit fireflies’ financial flexibility outside of their marriages. 

Eleanor (a participant in the study) said, “I, you know, I don’t exist in financial terms outside of my marriage anymore, and I didn’t realize exactly how that would play out when I gave up my career to become a mommy.” Lex (another participant) remarked, “I’m in a situation that is completely dictated by my inability to get out of it because of the financial situation… and there’s a lot of shame… I have not had the resources to change my situation… I’m… still in the marriage, and… there’s a lot of identity stuff that seems to be tied in with my career, my financial capabilities, and whatever.” 

Overall, these quotes demonstrate various ways that gender and sexual identities become constrained due to financial circumstances. Mallory elaborated: 

My trans+ participants described feeling unable to come out until after they had established themselves in their careers because those two life aspirations felt (and probably actually were) mutually exclusive. So between archaic gendered roles regarding careers and child rearing/home-making and a cisheteronormative society that is increasingly feeling scarier and less safe to present authentically in, fireflies often feel that they have “no option” to deviate from what’s so explicitly “mapped out” for them as a formula for what a happy adult life looks like. 

What are some common misconceptions about fireflies? 

Because fireflies are a novel concept, let’s clear up some common misconceptions that people might have. Perhaps the biggest one Mallory wanted to address is “the idea that folks coming out later in life are not amazing partners!” Although some people might be hesitant to date fireflies because they don’t want to be “a temporary place where late-in-lifers can experiment with queer sex or relationships and then they ultimately go back to the hetero life,” Mallory explained that fireflies “have already had the hetero-life and all of its privileges” and decided to leave it. 

Additionally, people should know that not all firefly journeys are the same—sometimes leaving a marriage is not always the best choice, especially for fireflies with intersecting identities. Above all, it’s important to know how important community is to the firefly journey. Mallory said:

100% of my participants stated that community was critical in their coming out processes. You can be the most emotionally solid, intelligent human being out there, but if you don’t have people in your life that “get it” the process will feel excruciating and take much longer than it needs to. Find your people! 

Where can people learn more about fireflies?

Check out Mallory’s Instagram @thefireflyjourney to learn more about this work. You can also visit her private practice website https://www.couragetogrowcounseling.org/. If you have questions or would like to discuss the topic with Mallory, she encourages you to reach out!

If you have a sex question of your own, record a voicemail at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology to have it answered on the blog or the podcast. 

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