How to Build Stronger Relationships This Year

The New Year is often a time when people set intentions for self-improvement, whether it’s setting a new goal, changing an old habit, or strengthening relationships with important people in our lives. In a recent podcast episode, we spoke with Ashley Weller, a professor of psychology at Chapman University, about things anyone can do this year to build happier, healthier, and stronger relationships. To build on this, we’re digging deeper into some of those resolutions in this post. Read on to learn more about tips for strengthening your emotional connection and improving your communication habits this year.

Strengthen Your Connection 

Emotional connection is highly important for fostering intimacy in relationships, but how can we go about intentionally improving our emotional connection in the New Year? Drs. John and Julie Gottman have long spoken about and researched the importance of “bids for attention,” which are attempts to actively connect with one another. Recognizing and responding to these bids has been shown to be highly beneficial for couples, predicting which couples are likely to stay together over time.

Responding to these bids could be actively listening to your partner when they share something, engaging with them, and asking follow-up questions. Essentially, these are moments when our partners are asking for attention. Couple members can create intentional periods of connection by sharing new information or showing their partner something new. For example, on a 6 hour car ride back from a cottage, I asked my partner about how a car’s radiator works knowing that he would be very excited that I was showing interest in a hobby of his, and was surprised by how engaging and interesting of a conversation we had. The key here is to remain curious about your partner and to try to show up for them rather than ignoring or dismissing their bids.

Another way to prioritize your emotional connection in the New Year is to practice dedicated quality time together. Each couple will need to discuss what this might look like in their relationship so that their expectations are aligned. For example, you might start by making a list of activities you’d like to try together (e.g., maybe you’ll both read the same book and talk about, learn a new skill together, visit a new restaurant, or attend a community event). Then, you might agree to try one of these activities each month. Trying something new together has the added benefit of bringing more self-expansion into the relationship, which has a whole host of positive benefits.

Improve Your Communication  Habits

“Communicate more” is perhaps the single most common piece of sex and relationship advice, yet it’s something that most people struggle to implement, which is why many of us find that we have the same fight with our partner over and over. Poor communication can lead us to get stuck in negative cycles.

One helpful strategy to interrupt negative cycles is to start by noticing the common triggers for these arguments, label what’s happening, and then make an active effort to disrupt the cycle. It is easy to become defensive and highly reactive when a negative cycle begins, but one of the easiest ways to stop these arguments is to create a safe space to discuss the deeper issues. This may mean that you need to slow down, take breaks, or use “listening mode” instead of reacting to one another. Breaking the cycle involves shifting the focus from “who’s wrong” to “what’s happening between us.” A helpful thing you could say in a situation like this is: “I think we’re getting into a loop, and I don’t want to fight — I want to feel close to you. Can we pause for a second?”

Another communication resolution for couples would be setting scheduled check-ins with one another. My partner and I affectionately call this our “rose and thorn” of the week. Every week we share something that we thought went well and something we felt like we could have been improved or something that was upsetting/stressful that week. Many couples find that these consistent check-ins reduce the number of arguments because they know there will be a dedicated time to speak about smaller issues before they turn into bigger ones. As Ashley mentioned in the podcast, having this dedicated time to speak with one another can also reduce miscommunication and resentment, since it prioritizes mutual understanding and respectful communication and ensures that important issues don’t go unaddressed.

If you want to hear more about how you can improve your relationship this year,  check out the full podcast episode! While the resolutions we’ve included here may not work for everyone, and many of them will look quite different from couple to couple, being intentional about your relationship and looking for resources to help strengthen your bond with your partner are great goals to set any time of year.

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