Episode 261: Breaking Negative Cycles In Relationships
January 26, 2024 by Justin Lehmiller
A negative cycle starts when one partner in a relationship feels hurt and then says something critical. Then, the other partner feels hurt and responds in kind. This repeats over and over, and the hurt feelings escalate. In the last episode, we talked about why these cycles happen and how to identify them in your relationship. In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about how to break the negative cycle, including things you should and shouldn’t say in these situations.
I am joined once again by Julie Menanno, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. She also provides insight and advice for couples at @TheSecureRelationship on Instagram, with over one million followers. She founded and runs the Bozeman Therapy & Counseling Clinic, and Secure Relationship Coaching. Her latest book is titled Secure Love.
Some of the specific topics we explore in this episode include:
- Why is telling your partner to “calm down” a bad idea in a negative cycle?
- Although being vulnerable during a fight might sound scary, how can this be helpful in resolving it?
- What is co-regulation, and how can understanding this concept help to combat negative cycles?
- How can you avoid the traps that lead us into negative cycles in the first place?
- How do you repair a relationship after a negative cycle?
Make sure to check out Julie’s website to learn more.
Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology
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Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller
Founder & Owner of Sex and PsychologyDr. Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. He runs the Sex and Psychology blog and podcast and is author of the popular book Tell Me What You Want. Dr. Lehmiller is an award-winning educator, and a prolific researcher who has published more than 50 academic works.
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