Safe Sex, Sex Ed

How to Share Your STI Status With Your Partner

August 15, 2024 by Merissa Prine

Talking about sex can be tricky, especially when it comes to the topic of STIs. Research shows that a lot of people avoid direct conversations about this due to fear of rejection, embarrassment, or shame. The discomfort and awkwardness of these conversations leads many folks to steer clear of them, despite knowing that open and honest communication is usually beneficial in relationships (Shumlich & Fisher, 2020). We are not taught how to have these conversations and with all the stigma and myths surrounding STIs, it is not surprising that these conversations feel overwhelming. So for today’s blog, we will be discussing how share your STI status with your partner.

Why is it Important to Share STI Status? And How Many People Do It?

First, it is important to discuss STIs because a lack of communication can lead to the further spread of these infections. STIs are extremely common, but they are often curable or can at least be effectively managed. According to the World Health Organization, “more than 1 million curable sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are acquired every day worldwide” and at any given time it is estimated that at least 1 in 5 people currently have an STI. However, of the people that have STIs, only about 50% of people disclose this information to their partner.

You might be wondering why half of people who know they have an STI hold back from sharing this information with their sexual partner. In a recent review of the literature, researchers found that the single most common reason people chose not to disclose STIs to their partners was because of fear (McMahan & Olmstead, 2024). They worried what their partner might think, whether they will be upset and/or angry, if their partner might break-up with them, or how this would change their partner’s perception of them. On the flip side, people who disclosed STIs described that they did so out of care and/or concern for their partner. Another common reason for telling a partner was the belief that it is the morally correct thing to do.

When to Disclose STI Status

There’s never going to be a perfect time, but ideally, the best time to disclose is prior to any sexual activity. It is important for your partner to be aware of your STI status prior to engaging in sexual activity so that you both can make informed decisions about how you would like to proceed. The conversation might vary depending on the type of STI. For example, if you have an STI that is not curable (e.g., herpes, HIV), the conversation would likely be different than an STI that can be cured in a short period of time with medication (e.g., chlamydia, gonorrhea).

If you are worried about how your partner might react to your disclosure, you might choose to speak in a semi-public place where you can still speak privately, but where the presence of nearby others can promote feelings of safety and encourage a more measured conversation. It can also help to have information about the STI so that you can answer any questions they may have (e.g., how this infection might affect them). For example, if you have herpes, you can discuss how this infection generally doesn’t cause any serious health issues and how there are multiple ways to prevent transmission (e.g., condoms, antiviral medications).

It is important to recognize that some people do not disclose their STI status because their partner has a history of being abusive. If you are worried about your partner reacting in such a way, seek help by speaking with a domestic violence center.

How to Share STI Status With a Partner

Planned Parenthood has provided the following suggestions for disclosing an STI to a partner:

  • Think about what you want to communicate to your partner and how you want to communicate it. It might be helpful to write down the key details you want to cover and consider how your partner might react upon learning about your STI status. For instance, if you anticipate that your partner might feel anxious, you can provide information about transmission, prevention, and also address STI stigma, which can often be more damaging than the STIs themselves.
  • Make sure that you plan adequate time to have the conversation together, so that you each have time to process, ask questions, and explore the situation together. Ideally, choose a location where you both feel safe/comfortable and will not be distracted.
  • Remind yourself that telling a partner about an STI is beneficial for the health of each person. Sharing this information demonstrates that you care about their safety and well-being. Although it can feel vulnerable to open up about your STI status, doing so empowers both of you to make informed decisions about your sexual health.
  • Have information and resources available to help answer your partner’s questions and figure out the next steps together. It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right away, but having a basic understanding of the STI can reduce anxiety for both of you and foster a safe space for open communication. Also, having resources handy can help you both seek more information and determine how to proceed.
  • Discuss the next steps together. This might involve seeking medical advice and treatment. It’s important to talk about the specific STI you have and how it could potentially impact your sex life. For instance, if you have a curable STI, abstaining from genital contact until the infection is cleared can prevent transmission. It’s also a good idea for your partner to get tested so that they are aware of their own STI status.

Having “the Talk” about STIs partner may feel daunting, but STIs are common and do not need to be as scary as the stigma makes them out to be. In fact, by disclosing your STI status, you can help in normalizing these conversations and reducing STI stigma. Remember that open communication is the foundation of trust, and by sharing your STI status, you’re not only protecting your partner’s health but also fostering a deeper connection built on honesty. While it’s normal to feel nervous, following the steps and tips suggested above can make the conversation smoother and more constructive.

Every relationship is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but approaching the discussion with empathy, preparedness, and care will help both you and your partner navigate this important conversation together. Ultimately, your willingness to have this conversation reflects your commitment to a healthy, respectful, and informed partnership.

For a deeper dive into this topic, check out our recent podcast episodes with sexual health scholar and educator Kayley McMahan, titled “How To Tell Your Partner You Have An STI” and “My Partner Has An STI. What Do I Do?”

References:

McMahan, K. D., & Olmstead, S. B. (2024). Disclosure of Sexually Transmitted Infections to Sexual Partners: A Systematic Critical Literature Review. The Journal of Sex Research, 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2343927

Shumlich, E. J., & Fisher, W. A. (2020). An exploration of factors that influence enactment of affirmative consent behaviors. The Journal of Sex Research, 57(9), 1108–1121. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2020.1761937

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Written by
Dr. Justin Lehmiller
Founder & Owner of Sex and Psychology

Dr. Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. He runs the Sex and Psychology blog and podcast and is author of the popular book Tell Me What You Want. Dr. Lehmiller is an award-winning educator, and a prolific researcher who has published more than 50 academic works.

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