Sex Question Friday: Can I Change My Sexual Fantasies?

I recently received a long letter from a reader who asked, “Can I (or should I) try to change my sexual fantasies in order to reduce conflict in my marriage?” The reader identified as heterosexual, cisgender, and male—and he’s married to a bisexual, cisgender woman. His fantasies include his partner and the activities in them revolve around themes of lesbian sex and group sex (incidentally, both of which are extraordinarily common fantasies among cis/het men, as I discuss in my book Tell Me What You Want).

The couple has tried to incorporate these fantasies into their sex life in various ways, such as by having a threesome and watching pornography together, but they’ve had some less than positive experiences that have led to conflict—and they fight about this issue frequently. His partner suggested that if he were to get rid of these fantasies or change them that it would reduce conflict in the marriage, which is what prompted his question.

So is it possible to change your sexual fantasies? I get asked this question a lot, by persons who have both common and uncommon fantasies. Here’s what I tell them:

Psychologists have attempted to develop a number of techniques to change people’s sexual turn-ons, most commonly with sex offender populations or among people who are concerned about acting on a dangerous or non-consensual fantasy. What they’ve found is that it seems to be extraordinarily difficult to eradicate a fantasy, which suggests that attempts to switch off our turn-ons probably aren’t going to turn out too well.

Another strategy that doesn’t seem to work is to try and suppress sexual thoughts that you don’t want to have. This is a completely counterproductive strategy because trying not to think about something (sexual or otherwise) only makes you think about it even more.

So rather than trying to get rid of your fantasies or suppress them, start by acknowledging and accepting your fantasies for what they are and recognize that we don’t control the content of our fantasies, just as we don’t control the content of our dreams. Our fantasies have complex roots—as I discuss in Tell Me What You Want, our fantasies are a unique product of our personalities, psychological needs, lived experiences, culture, and evolutionary history. When you think about all of the things that go into our fantasies, it’s no surprise that they are pretty resistant to change.

However, just because you have a fantasy about something doesn’t mean that you have to act on it in order to be happy. Reality doesn’t always live up to the fantasy that we have in our heads—and some fantasies aren’t practical/feasible to act upon, or may not be appropriate to act on in the first place. Remember that it’s perfectly okay for a fantasy to remain a fantasy—you can still have a fulfilling sex life. And if you have fantasies you don’t want to act on because they are dangerous or illegal, a sex therapist can help you develop the tools you need to avoid acting on them.

Returning to the reader’s question, his fantasies have become a problem area in their relationship and his partner is pushing him to change those fantasies. As discussed above, trying to change fantasies doesn’t tend to work out well—and pressuring a partner to change their fantasies is only going to pile on feelings of guilt and shame, which is ultimately going to create more problems than it solves.

So in terms of dealing with this problem, it’s probably worth looking more closely at why these fantasies are creating conflict in the first place. Is it because one partner isn’t as into the fantasies as the other? Is it because the partners have different ideas for how they would like these fantasy scenarios to play out?

Related to this, why are the partners having so many negative experiences acting on these fantasies? Are they going in with wildly different expectations? Are there sexual communication issues?

There are a lot of different angles to consider this from. For example, if the root issue is that both partners really just want different things from sex or have totally different fantasies, there are a few options to consider. One is to try and identify or cultivate shared sexual interests. While it doesn’t really seem to be feasible to get rid of a fantasy, it is possible to learn new fantasies. So you might try to think about broadening your sexual “menu.”

You might also consider stepping back and doing some research and reading on sexual fantasies before acting on them again. Given that one of the main fantasies identified by the reader was group sex, you might do some reading on navigating sexually open relationships and managing group sex encounters (such as The Ethical Slut). In my own research on fantasies, I find that while group sex is amongst the most popular things people fantasize about, it is also the fantasy that is least likely to turn out well, in part, because people often don’t have a script for how to navigate it. So doing some research might help you to think about different ways of approaching this fantasy that might work out better in the end.

It’s probably also worth talking about what did and did not go well during your previous experiences acting on fantasies. Was jealously a problem? If so, you might want to check out The Jealousy Workbook as a way of figuring out how to manage this issue.

Or was one partner uncomfortable and wanted to exit the situation but didn’t know how to communicate this? If so, you might consider establishing a safeword as a way of clearly and unambiguously communicating your desire to stop.

Something I’ve seen in my work is that if often takes time to “perfect” a fantasy. There may be a few failed or less than satisfying encounters before you find your groove and figure out what works. But it’s really through communicating extensively before, during, and after (and doing this in a non-judgmental way) that is key to laying the groundwork for more satisfying experiences in the future.

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