Sex Question Friday: I Want To Watch My Wife Sleep With Someone Else. Is That Normal?
November 23, 2012 by Justin Lehmiller
Every Friday on the blog, I answer people’s questions about sex, love, and relationships. This week’s question comes from a reader of the blog who wants to see his wife have sex with another man.
How often do you come across men who want to watch their wife or girlfriend be with other men sexually? I have had this fantasy for a very long time and I don’t know where it came from but it almost is an obsession. I am trying to slowly talk my wife into it. But I am the only guy that she has ever been with so it’s a slow process. I am smart enough not to dog her about it. Any ideas or suggestions to help me out?
You definitely aren’t the first guy who has fantasized about this. In fact, a similar scenario appeared on one of the Top 10 Lists of Sexual Fantasies that I previously compiled for this site. So let’s talk first about where this fantasy might come from; however, please keep in mind that different reasons might exist for different men.
Some men may find it arousing to see their partner having sex with someone else simply because they are voyeurs. In other words, they may derive great pleasure from watching other people engaged in sexual activity. A certain degree of voyeurism is common, given the widespread popularity of pornography; however, some people have more intense degrees of voyeurism and prefer to watch in person.
Another possibility is that there is a biological or evolved mechanism that stimulates arousal in this situation. Specifically, seeing another man (or multiple men) having sex with a desirable woman may stimulate sperm competition. The basic idea is that when this situation is observed, men’s bodies and brains respond so as to increase the likelihood that their sperm will out-compete that of other men.
Consistent with this idea, both heterosexual men and women report that after a period of separation or when female infidelity is suspected, the male partner thrusts faster and deeper during their next sexual encounter, possibly as a means of displacing other men’s semen . Likewise, research has found that after viewing pornography that depicts sperm competition (i.e., two men having sex with the same woman), male participants exhibited a greater percentage of active sperm in their ejaculate than did men who viewed porn featuring only women . Thus, some have argued that there might be an evolved behavior at play here.
Of course, other explanations are possible. For instance, some guys may just have a desire to see their partner completely satisfied, while others may enjoy the fact that it is a forbidden or taboo activity. Yet others may be into this because they are into BDSM. For some, watching their partner have sex with someone else is a form of sexual humiliation.
Some men may also get a self-esteem boost from all of this. If other people think their partner is hot, but their partner continues to stay with them, this might feel validating.
No matter the reason, as long as the activity is consensual and nobody feels pressured into doing something they do not want to do, acting on this fantasy could potentially enhance sexual satisfaction for everyone involved.
As for the question of “how to talk your wife into it,” don’t think about it like that. Like acting on any other sexual fantasy, this has to be a mutual decision, not something that one person compels the other to do. The only thing you can do is tell your partner about your fantasy and see where it goes. Of course, that’s easier said than done because sharing fantasies can be difficult, especially when they involve bringing other people into the mix.
So the way you might approach this is to step back and start sharing more “vanilla” fantasies first (i.e., things that don’t involve other people). In other words, the first step is just getting comfortable sharing fantasies in general with your partner, building up trust and intimacy, and learning about each other’s turn-ons. As you get more comfortable with this and learn more about each other, you can bring in your bigger fantasies and ask your partner what they think about the idea.
If your partner is into the idea and wants to try it out, start slow. For example, you might watch them flirt with someone else at a bar and see how that experience feels for both of you. Sharing fantasies is one thing–acting on them is another. So take baby steps if this is something you both wish to explore.
And if your partner isn’t into it, maybe there’s a compromise scenario to consider. For example, perhaps your partner can tell you about fantasies they’ve had involving other people as a form of dirty talk. This way, you don’t have to bring anyone else into the mix, but you can still get some fulfillment of your desire.
For past Sex Question Friday posts, see here.
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 Gallup, G. G., Burch, R. L., Zappieri, M. L., Parvez, R. A., Stockwell, M. L., & Davis, J. A. (2003). The human penis as a semen displacement device. Evolution and Human Behavior, 24, 277–289.
 Kilgallon, S. J., & Simmons, L. W. (2005). Image content influences men’s semen quality. Biology Letters, 1, 253–255.
Image Source: 123rf
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Dr. Justin LehmillerFounder & Owner of Sex and Psychology
Dr. Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. He runs the Sex and Psychology blog and podcast and is author of the popular book Tell Me What You Want. Dr. Lehmiller is an award-winning educator, and a prolific researcher who has published more than 50 academic works.Read full bio >