What Your Sexual Fantasies Say About Your Personality
August 17, 2018 by Justin Lehmiller
Our sexual fantasies appear to reflect, at least in part, our personality traits and characteristics. In studying the sex fantasies of more than 4,000 Americans for my book Tell Me What You Want, I found that the Big Five personality factors of openness to experience, conscientiousness, agreeableness, extraversion, and neuroticism were all linked to the types of fantasies people reported having.
Below, I briefly describe what each of these traits is all about and how they are related to the types of things you’re more (or less) likely to fantasize about:
1. Openness to experience. This trait involves having a high degree of intellectual curiosity and an active imagination. People high in openness tend to be willing to try new things in general. Perhaps not surprisingly, I found that people who are high in openness have the most variability in their fantasy content—they fantasize more about almost everything, from the conventional to the unconventional.
2. Conscientiousness. This trait involves being very detail-oriented and organized. Conscientious individuals also tend to be conformists—they hold more conventional beliefs and attitudes in many ways. I found that conscientious persons tended to have more detailed sexual fantasies. In particular, they focused more on the settings in which sex took place. They also had fewer BDSM and taboo fantasies, perhaps due to their tendency to conform to norms both sexually and otherwise.
3. Extraversion. This trait is exactly what it sounds like—it involves being outgoing and wanting to interact with others. It turned out that people who are extraverted in real life tended to be extraverted in their fantasies, too. Specifically, they have more fantasies about both group sex and non-monogamy (e.g., being polyamorous or having some type of sexually open relationship). They also fantasize more about simply trying new things, but less about taboo activities. Introverts had more taboo fantasies, which may be because social interaction difficulties lead people to gravitate to unusual forms of sexual expression when they can’t establish the types of relationships they want.
4. Agreeableness. This trait is characterized by caring about others. Agreeable folks are kind and considerate and want to make other people happy. People high in agreeableness tend to have prosocial sex fantasies, meaning their fantasies are unlikely to include elements in which mutual consent, safety, and/or pleasure is unclear. To that end, I observed that agreeable people were less likely to fantasize about infidelity and taboo acts (especially those that are nonconsensual, such as pedophilia). Agreeable persons were also less likely to fantasize about emotionless sex and BDSM—acts where it might not be as easy to determine whether their partner is enjoying the activity.
5. Neuroticism. This trait involves having a high degree of emotional instability and a difficult time handling stress. I found that neurotic folks had fewer fantasies about group sex, novelty, and non-monogamy. They seemed less interested in general in trying new things and findings new partners, perhaps because there’s some element of uncertainty there, which can be stressful. Neurotic individuals reported more fantasies about passion and romance, however, which may be a way that they seek to relax or feel reassured.
To learn more about how our fantasies are related to our personality traits (as well as how they’re related to our sexual histories and demographic backgrounds), check out Tell Me What You Want.
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Dr. Justin LehmillerFounder & Owner of Sex and Psychology
Dr. Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. He runs the Sex and Psychology blog and podcast and is author of the popular book Tell Me What You Want. Dr. Lehmiller is an award-winning educator, and a prolific researcher who has published more than 50 academic works.Read full bio >